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Thought for the Day: You Want to Win in a מחלוקת? Lose the מחלוקת

The following has been written absolutely with the permission of my amazing grandson. In fact, he was touched that I wanted to write about this.

I have had the merit this year to have a steady chavrusa with my grandson who is in 8th grade. This is not "intro to gemara" any more. By the time a bachur gets to 8th grade, they are learning topics in depth with Rashi and Tosafos. They learn Bava Kama and one of the first topics they learn is when one ox damages another. Most oxen are tame and they were quite common in ancient cities, and really enabled commerce the way trucks do nowadays. When a normal ox -- תם/innocent -- gores another ox, it is considered an unusual event and is dealt with as such. First, the owner of the ox only pays half the value of the ox he killed; which is know as חצי נזק/half damages. Second, there is a cap on the liability, which is the value of the animal itself. That is know as מגופו/from its own value.

The word "גוף", of course, literally means "body". As happens in any rich field of endeavor, though, words may take on a very specific meaning in the context of the field of study that do not quite match the meaning in general usage. In general usage, "גוף" means "body". In the context of halachic damages by a regular ox that uncharacteristically gored another ox, the phrase "מגופו" means the owner's liability is limited to no more than the value of the animal that did the damage.

My grandson, who is quite bright, heard מגופו and immediately and without a second thought, translated that in his mind to "from its body". The only "body" here, of course, is the victim. That's how the mistake get started. In every lesson and in every conversation, whenever he heard מגופו, he understood the speaker to mean "from the victim's body" and he also used it that way. If it didn't quite fit, he just figured that he missed a word or two that the rebbi said, and he made it fit. I presume the rebbi did the same thing. The whole year went that way. He has had exams and a farher (oral exam for acceptance to yeshiva). He has good grades and got accepted to a good yeshiva. It was only when he and I went through a topic together and I wanted to be sure that I understood each step that the error was discovered. After some clarification, he immediately worked diligently to correct his understanding. I also checked with a well known rav who taught 8th grade for many years. He laughed, and told me that mistakes like this happen all the time. He gives classes training rebbeim for the classroom; he now has another example.
I am actually quite proud of my grandson. It only took us a few minutes to clarify the mistake. He is a confident young man and has enough self-esteem to admit errors and move on. He actually joked with his classmates about it! Of course I enjoy getting to learn with my grandson, but in this case, I would enjoy the learning even if he were not my grandson.
I have a couple of take aways from this. First, even when two smart people are using the same words, they don't necessarily mean the same thing. This is so important to remember when have a discussion. With mutual respect and sincerely searching for understanding, those differences can be revealed and corrected, leading to deeper understanding and respect.

The other is a vort from the Sefer Chasidim that was just shown to me this morning. In section 289, the Sefer Chasidim makes this point: When having a disagreement/discussion with another person, you should not worry about losing the argument. When you win an argument, you come out the same as you started. When you lose an argument, you have learned something new. The one who loses an argument is the real winner.

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