As of this writing we are on the brink of bringing in Tammuz, 5784. We are less than three weeks from The Three Weeks. We are, I am sad to say, tracking to commemorate another year of this long diaspora and loss of our Beis HaMikdash. The Aguda has published a video interview with Dayan Aharon Dovid Dunner, shlita: The Scourge of Machklokes: Fights, Divorces, and the Pursuit of Shalom
I highly recommend you watch it in its entirety. There was one point the dayan made, however, that really struck me. It is such simple advice, and something that can easily be made a part of your life. At 12:41 the dayan begins saying over the famous story of how R' Yisrael Salanter was galvanized into action to create the mussar movement.
There was a simple shoemaker who earned a respectable living. One day he received news that he had come into a lot of money (either a lottery or an inheritance from a wealthy distant relative; not really an important detail). This simple shoemaker was immediately launched into the upper echelons of society. He built a big house, dressed his family in the best clothing, etc. He was still honest, but no longer needed to be among the working class. There were those in town who were jealous and looked down on this nouveau-riche family. It came time to make a chasuna and this shoemaker went all out. As he was walking his daughter to the chupa, one of the jealous townspeople came running over with a bag in his hand. In front of everyone he opened the bag, took out an old pair of shoes, and said, "Nu? Can you have these ready for me before Shabbos?" Imagine the embarrassment of this ex-shoemaker. Imagine the shame his daughter felt. Imagine the machlokes that erupted across the crowd; everyone taking sides.
At 14:12, the dayan, speaking softly, says: The velt says that R' Yisrael Salanter was so upset that someone could do that, so he was inspired to start the mussar movement. But the יודעי דעת/insightful say differently. The one who brought the shoes to embarrass the family is disgraceful and will likely remain disgraceful. People like that don't read mussar s'farim. It was the (ex)shoemaker that R' Yisrael wanted to educate. Yes, ignore the rude guest; he doesn't deserve your attention. Just let it go. (You can find another version of this story and lesson here.)
Here's my take away: Next time you are in a situation that could lead to a machlokes, just look the person in the eye and say,
Listen here! You know the lesson that Dayan Dunner said we should learn. Do you always have to have the last word? Do you always have to be right? Can't you just give in this once? What will it cost you?Oh wait! I left out an important detail (another common cause of machlokes): You need to be looking in the mirror when you make that speech.
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