I am currently saying kaddish for my mother-in-law, a"h. I have also organized learning mishnayos as an elevation for her neshama. I feel honored to be able to do this; she was important in our lives, and the way she reared my wife prepared her to be able to grow into a fully Torah-observant bas yisrael. I also learn mishnayos for the yahrtzeit of my father, a"h, and my father-in-law, a"h. Again, it is a zchus for me, and I do not take that lightly. I do neither of those things for my mother. No complaints, just saying.
For whatever reason (likely because I am in the middle of doing so much for our Jewish parents right now), though, I decided to ask R' Fuerst this year if I should be doing any of those things for my own mother. I started with, "I haven't been saying kaddish for my mother on her yahrtzeit; should I be?" (My follow-up question would have been, "Jewish or Goyish calendar?") The dayan answered, "It's a free country."
Just so we are all on the same page here. The reason we do things for the z'chus of the niftar is because their neshama is judged each year on their yahrtzeit and we want to improve the judgment. This answer from the dayan -- for those of you who don't know him -- means, "There is no compelling reason do this or that, but it's also not forbidden; knock yourself out."
My follow-up became, "Ok... but should I? Are goyim judged annually like Jews are?" The answer: "No, there isn't really any reason to be saying kaddish nor learning mishnayos for the yahrtzeit for a goy."
I had a second follow-up question, "What about saying Yizkor?" The answer: "The minhag is not to say Yizkor for goyim."
Again, no complaints. We have a Torah and we do things because they are right. We don't make meaningless "feel good" gestures.
The week before Shavuous, I heard two outstanding shiurim on קבלת התורה that both (another crazy coincidence) focused on the once-in-history mass transformation of the Jewish nation from בני נח to בני ישראל. The topic itself is fascinating, and there are some very interesting differences between that event and the individual process that every גר צדק undergoes.
One of the shiurim was from the Rosh Kollel of the Peterson Park Kollel, R' Rajchenbach, shlita. I asked afterwards that it seems funny the number of times that gerim are mentioned in the Torah. You won't find in American law that it applies both to the native-born and naturalized citizens, but you find both by Pesach and Sukkos that apply to both the native-born Jew as well as the ger. The rosh kollel noted that he also finds that interesting and has thought about it.
In case you have not had the experience of hearing the rosh kollel expressing his thoughts on topic, it is quite an experience. Not a word is wasted, the ideas expressed are profound, and I always walk away feeling that I need some time to process what I just heard. What follows is my summary of what I took away.
The Torah was given to sanctify the entire world. The Jews accepted the Torah as a nation, but the entire world needs to be sanctified through the Torah. When Rus became Jewish, that was not just a fulfillment of her mission; it was, in fact, the justification and fulfillment of the mission of the entire nation of Moab.
Can you say, "paradigm shift"? Whenever I read that Rashi that said it was worth keeping the entire nation of Moab just to get Rus, my mental image was, "Don't destroy the garbage dump till you find the diamond." That was wrong. The correct image is that I need that entire field of dirt and fertilizer in order to produce one incredible fruit tree. The nation of Moab was not hiding Rus; the nation of Moab was producing Rus! You can't have a Rus without a Moab. The destiny of Moab was to produce Rus.
Let's apply this new paradigm to my situation. When a person says kaddish and learns mishnayos for an elevation of the souls of his father, mother, etc., he elevates their souls. How does that work? They inspired and enabled him to do mitzvos, so they get some credit when he does those things in their memory.
What about my mother and her father and all of her family, my father and his mother and all of his family? A גר צדק is like a newborn child; he has no familial relationships. He is alone in that sense. In another sense, though, he—as the final product of that family—is that family. I couldn't be here and could not have become who I am without the nurture of all of them. Of course I still say kaddish and learn mishnayos to make a siyum on the yahrtzeit of father, father-in-law, and now mother-in-law. They are Jews and have their own judgment annually.
My mother and my grandfather and all of that non-Jewish family, though? It is not that I don't get to say kaddish for Mom. I don't get to learn mishnayos for grandpa. I don't need to say kaddish for Mom, Grandpa, and that entire non-Jewish family. I don't need to learn mishnayos for Mom, Grandpa, and that entire non-Jewish family. Instead, what I am doing is the doing of all of us. We are all in this together. They don't have a separate annual judgment. Our eternal destiny is inextricably linked.
My feeling about not mentioning Mom and Grandpa in Yizkor and not saying kaddish for them annually went from "it is what it is, no complaints" to "wow! this is so cool!"
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