Thought for the Day: Better to be Suffer Shame in This World Than the Next - The Stringency of Avoiding Suspicion

Chazal (Brachos, 3a) relate that R' Yossi was once traveling and needed to daven, so he ducked into one of the abandoned buildings in Yerushalayim. Eliyahu waited outside for R' Yossi to finish. When R' Yossi came out, he and Eliyahu exchanged greetings, then Eliyahu asked R' Yossi why he had gone into the abandoned building. R' Yossi said, "to daven." Eliyahu replied that he should have davened on the side of the road. R' Yossi said he was afraid that he would be interrupted by passersby. Eliyahu told him that in that case, he should have davened a shortened t'fila. The Gemara then says there are three reasons to avoid going into abandoned buildings: (1) If they have been abandoned for some time, the walls could collapse. (2) Mischievous spirits like to hang out in such buildings. (3) חשד/Suspicion that one is going there to meet a lady of questionable morals.

Let's think about this. R' Yossi doesn't want to be disturbed while davening. Fear of collapsing walls and being poked (or worse) by mischievous spirits sounds pretty disruptive. That means it must have been a relatively newly abandoned building and in an area where mischievous spirits don't frequent. That leaves just the reason of חשד. We are talking about a sage on the level to be visited by Eliyahu in any area that seems relatively free of passersby (after all, Eliyahu waited there patiently). I would have thought that R' Yossi made a good call. How likely was anyone to really pass by and how likely would they be to suspect R' Yossi of such lowly behavior? Nonetheless, he was advised to not only daven by the roadside, but even to daven a shortened t'fila. All because of the remote possibility of חשד. Not even the remote possibility of bad behavior, just the possibility of being suspected of such behavior.

(I know this is not airtight, but I discussed it with the rosh kollel at Kollel Zichron Eliyahu -- where I spend my days since retirement -- and he agreed it was a reasonable p'shat.)

Baruch HaShem, I now spend my days in a location with no concern of חשד. I did, though, need to deal with that on my last day in the office before retirement. Over my career, I had learned how to avoid shaking hands with women at work. The "trick" is simple. When do people shake hands at work? When first meeting. If your hands are full, then the moment passes -- sometimes with a smile as you look down at your full hands a little sheepishly. But the moment has passed and you are safe. Occasionally one gets caught with empty hands as someone new is being shown around the office. For that situation, I had another trick. I always had a cup of coffee with me. As I was clumsily moving my cup from my right to left hand, I would spill a bit of coffee on my hand. Again, the moment passes as I find a napkin to clean up. (I did get busted once. A woman -- whom I then noticed was from the Middle East -- asked me straight out, "Did you spill coffee on your hands to avoid shaking my hand?)

That worked great until my last day in the office, for which my manager was arranging a farewell party. There was nothing to do but be up front and blunt. I therefore asked my manager to add the following to the end of the invitation, and everyone was very gracious.

I have really enjoyed my tenure at CCC; it would be 13 years this August. On the technical side there is always something new to learn -- I have never been bored. On the personal side, I have found the environment warm and respectful. That being the case, I wanted to let you know about an ancient custom observed by Orthodox Jews (of which I am one, in case you hadn't noticed): We refrain from physical contact with members of the opposite sex to whom we are not related. This includes even shaking hands. Thank you!

I am glad I am out of that situation, but also glad I learned how to handle it.