I saw a quite distressing article entitled: "My husband’s Orthodox Jewish family pressured us to call off our wedding."; just to drive home the point, a subtitle was added: "I thought parental disapproval of marriage was a problem of the past. I was wrong."
Why are we so, so ... well... orthodox and unbending in our refusal to allow the slightest change or breach in this ancient taboo?
Here's what's it's not. It's not about similar culture, thus easing the integration of two people's lives -- including all their family and extended family. It may not be easy for a Jew from Flushing, NY to integrate his life with a Jew from Irvine, CA; not a Jew from Sweden with a Jew from Egypt. Surprise! Marriage is not designed for nor meant to be easy.
It's also not about having a shared experience about customs. A S'fardi (of Spanish/African/Turkish descent) Jew from Israel and a Chassidic (of eastern European descent) Jew from have customs as different as different can be. They ate different kinds of matzah on Pesach, celebrated different number of day of holidays, and even spoke different languages. It may not be easy to integrate to form one family, but -- repeat after me: Marriage is not designed for nor meant to be easy.
So what's the problem? As should be obvious by now, we first have to understand just what is the purpose of marriage and how is it designed to achieve that purpose. To understand that, though, requires that we understand why HaShem created this world. To understand that, though, requires that we understand why HaShem created us. Correct... this is not a small thing; it's the main/only thing.
In short (understatement of the century) and at the risk of being too short (but at least it will be out there, and we can dig into the details at our leisure): HaShem created us because part and parcel of being good (and HaShem is -- by definition -- Good) is to benefit others. In order to benefit others, there have to be others to receive that beneficence -- hence, our creation. To be able to most effectively benefit from His beneficence, we have to be the most like HaShem that is humanly possibly. Since HaShem is Good, we have to become good; that is, we have to become beings who are defined as givers. (Why we have to become that and why we are just created that way is a discussion for another time.) To be a giver, we need a recipient. HaShem can't be that recipient (since He, by definition, doesn't need anything), so the recipient has to be the closest being to HaShem... which is a human being. It can't be any human being, it has to be that one human being that means everything to you... on whose existence your very existence depends; it has to be you.
How do you give to yourself without being selfish? HaShem took you and split your soul into two more or less equal parts. The purpose for the creation of this world is to give you the environment you need to reunite the two parts into a unified whole. Every aspect of the Jewish marriage is there for that purpose and for that purpose alone. That is not to say, of course, that you can't like and even love other people. It just means that there is one and only one person to whom you need to be married. (Aside: We are only human and we make mistakes; which is why the Torah provides for divorce. A divorce is never an option; it is either wrong or required.)
It is not easy finding one's missing part, but we have some help. A kohain (from the priestly line) and a divorcee are not allowed to wed. There is nothing wrong with being divorced any more that there is anything wrong with having blond hair. There is nothing wrong with being a kohein anymore than there is anything wrong with being a plumber. The Torah is simply telling us that whoever might be his missing part, she is not it; and whoever is her missing half, he is not it.
The Jewish nation has a unique mission and all Jewish souls reside within that nation. (Conversion is a sort of "naturalized citizen" soul, if you will. Way beyond the scope of this TftD.) While we don't know who encapsulates our missing part, we know with certainty that it is another Jew (again, could be a convert). A kohein knows it won't be a divorced lady, and siblings know it isn't a family member. (Some immediate family members are very nice; I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one... :)
I know this is not how the majority of the world views the situation. As I am very often told when I say to R' Fuerst that something is surprising to me: Live and learn.
Why are we so, so ... well... orthodox and unbending in our refusal to allow the slightest change or breach in this ancient taboo?
Here's what's it's not. It's not about similar culture, thus easing the integration of two people's lives -- including all their family and extended family. It may not be easy for a Jew from Flushing, NY to integrate his life with a Jew from Irvine, CA; not a Jew from Sweden with a Jew from Egypt. Surprise! Marriage is not designed for nor meant to be easy.
It's also not about having a shared experience about customs. A S'fardi (of Spanish/African/Turkish descent) Jew from Israel and a Chassidic (of eastern European descent) Jew from have customs as different as different can be. They ate different kinds of matzah on Pesach, celebrated different number of day of holidays, and even spoke different languages. It may not be easy to integrate to form one family, but -- repeat after me: Marriage is not designed for nor meant to be easy.
So what's the problem? As should be obvious by now, we first have to understand just what is the purpose of marriage and how is it designed to achieve that purpose. To understand that, though, requires that we understand why HaShem created this world. To understand that, though, requires that we understand why HaShem created us. Correct... this is not a small thing; it's the main/only thing.
In short (understatement of the century) and at the risk of being too short (but at least it will be out there, and we can dig into the details at our leisure): HaShem created us because part and parcel of being good (and HaShem is -- by definition -- Good) is to benefit others. In order to benefit others, there have to be others to receive that beneficence -- hence, our creation. To be able to most effectively benefit from His beneficence, we have to be the most like HaShem that is humanly possibly. Since HaShem is Good, we have to become good; that is, we have to become beings who are defined as givers. (Why we have to become that and why we are just created that way is a discussion for another time.) To be a giver, we need a recipient. HaShem can't be that recipient (since He, by definition, doesn't need anything), so the recipient has to be the closest being to HaShem... which is a human being. It can't be any human being, it has to be that one human being that means everything to you... on whose existence your very existence depends; it has to be you.
How do you give to yourself without being selfish? HaShem took you and split your soul into two more or less equal parts. The purpose for the creation of this world is to give you the environment you need to reunite the two parts into a unified whole. Every aspect of the Jewish marriage is there for that purpose and for that purpose alone. That is not to say, of course, that you can't like and even love other people. It just means that there is one and only one person to whom you need to be married. (Aside: We are only human and we make mistakes; which is why the Torah provides for divorce. A divorce is never an option; it is either wrong or required.)
It is not easy finding one's missing part, but we have some help. A kohain (from the priestly line) and a divorcee are not allowed to wed. There is nothing wrong with being divorced any more that there is anything wrong with having blond hair. There is nothing wrong with being a kohein anymore than there is anything wrong with being a plumber. The Torah is simply telling us that whoever might be his missing part, she is not it; and whoever is her missing half, he is not it.
The Jewish nation has a unique mission and all Jewish souls reside within that nation. (Conversion is a sort of "naturalized citizen" soul, if you will. Way beyond the scope of this TftD.) While we don't know who encapsulates our missing part, we know with certainty that it is another Jew (again, could be a convert). A kohein knows it won't be a divorced lady, and siblings know it isn't a family member. (Some immediate family members are very nice; I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one... :)
I know this is not how the majority of the world views the situation. As I am very often told when I say to R' Fuerst that something is surprising to me: Live and learn.
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